Well, here I am not actually exercising on the treadmill. Sure, I'm all dressed up. I even weighed myself to see where I am after the whole detox and realized that with the whole eating like I don't care scenario I seem to not be in the right place. Yep, I really need to prioritize my eating habits and steer them into the right direction if my body is going to get the necessary nutrients.
Goodness! Then this week is the one where I get to see Mr. Blue Eyes once again and it seems that I'm a bit nervous about that one. God, please help me on this front!
Well, I seem to be in a constant flux of peace and nerves. Today I am going to try to make an appointment with the chiropractor so that I can talk to him about doing an externship and then look into open jobs. Turns out from one of my classes last week I am actually able to get a job as a MT without a license. So I will get the insurance first and then will look into the licensing with the city only after I am offered the job.
Yep! Here's to plans coming to fruition!
Well, once again I hope that all goes well in everyone's life. For now I need to get on the treadmill for at least a mile before my friend shows up!
Hmmm....
- Masha
- Reading is a conversation. All books talk. But a good book listens as well. --Mark Haddon
Monday, June 23, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
It's been awhile!
Well, it was just pointed out to me that it has been quite awhile since I've posted on here.
I really thought that no one was reading this!!!
Soooo... this is a quick recap of where I've been the past month or more.
My friend came to visit and I kinda stopped going to work. That's why I haven't posted on here since. My grandma was in the hospital and was dying so I flew to TX to take care of things and be with family. She passed and no one there had a computer! Amazing how different lifestyles are between the states. Came back and finalized my divorce in court (finally!)... After dealing with one death (grandma) and then another type (divorce) I finally just decided to take time for me. Which is why the next week I pretty much did nothing but take care of me and imposed a mini-retreat on myself. Which is why I was still MIA in my hometown although some people knew I was here I kinda disconnected in every sense of the word and allowed myself to cry, write, vent, and veg.
Let me tell ya, it sure was lovely! I have managed to start up again in my journal, writing 10th steps, talking to sponsees, actually calling friends again and emailing... ahhh... little by little I am getting back into the swing of things. Funny how a couple of weeks in TX arranging a funeral, being there for everyone's grief, and being around family I haven't seen in ages can really make one feel lost. As if they're a stranger in their own body.
Huh.
Well, time to get that license. My ex just wrote me a lovely check to help me out. See, I spent too much on the plane tickets and extras while in TX I needed another boost for the licensing fees.
Enough of that. Gotta go study for my cumulative final exam this coming Thursday!
Take care :)
I really thought that no one was reading this!!!
Soooo... this is a quick recap of where I've been the past month or more.
My friend came to visit and I kinda stopped going to work. That's why I haven't posted on here since. My grandma was in the hospital and was dying so I flew to TX to take care of things and be with family. She passed and no one there had a computer! Amazing how different lifestyles are between the states. Came back and finalized my divorce in court (finally!)... After dealing with one death (grandma) and then another type (divorce) I finally just decided to take time for me. Which is why the next week I pretty much did nothing but take care of me and imposed a mini-retreat on myself. Which is why I was still MIA in my hometown although some people knew I was here I kinda disconnected in every sense of the word and allowed myself to cry, write, vent, and veg.
Let me tell ya, it sure was lovely! I have managed to start up again in my journal, writing 10th steps, talking to sponsees, actually calling friends again and emailing... ahhh... little by little I am getting back into the swing of things. Funny how a couple of weeks in TX arranging a funeral, being there for everyone's grief, and being around family I haven't seen in ages can really make one feel lost. As if they're a stranger in their own body.
Huh.
Well, time to get that license. My ex just wrote me a lovely check to help me out. See, I spent too much on the plane tickets and extras while in TX I needed another boost for the licensing fees.
Enough of that. Gotta go study for my cumulative final exam this coming Thursday!
Take care :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
9 months
As of September I've been living on my own, we were just doing a 'trial separation'. He asked for a divorce a couple of weeks later. Beginning of June I'll see him again.
I've been saying that it's been 7 months since I now have an ex and I just realized that the end of this month will be 9 months. Nine months. Nine. Wow.
I just read my horoscope for the month. Yes, I do that. Especially since I like to pass the time here at work with doing Something! I've even read some interesting tidbits online, done research for my presentation, and even looked into the news a bit. Pretty much, the world is still turning and people are still living/suffering/dying/rejoicing... Come on, isn't that life in a nutshell?
Maybe the realization that 9 months have passed has made me a bit jaded. Hey! I'm allowed my moments.
I've been saying that it's been 7 months since I now have an ex and I just realized that the end of this month will be 9 months. Nine months. Nine. Wow.
I just read my horoscope for the month. Yes, I do that. Especially since I like to pass the time here at work with doing Something! I've even read some interesting tidbits online, done research for my presentation, and even looked into the news a bit. Pretty much, the world is still turning and people are still living/suffering/dying/rejoicing... Come on, isn't that life in a nutshell?
Maybe the realization that 9 months have passed has made me a bit jaded. Hey! I'm allowed my moments.
Perspective
Here's another Tut tidbit:
When you realize that by changing your perspective, big things can be seen as little things it becomes much harder to worry about anything.
Funky cold medina,
The Universe
Yep, this is true and we all know it but for one reason or another we always tend to forget this when we're right in the middle of it, at least I do. Well, until someone or something starts thrashing this against our heads as a little wake-up call to come back to reality.
Case in point: My belief that I need a man in my life to fill that void within my soul. My craving for a soul connection with a man to make my life have more meaning.
Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out that I was a much stronger woman than I give myself credit for and that my need for this 'God-hole' to be filled by a man could be more damaging than good. Hmm... am I writing this down right?
Basically, my fixation/codependency/life has no meaning without Mr. Blue Eyes is really a distraction on my part so that I won't have to deal with life without those rose-coloured glasses. To look at reality and to realize how far I have really come is a bit scary because then I'm left with all this growth and suddenly become afraid of what's to come. Does that make any sense?
What I'm trying to say is that if I actually take credit for my advancements then that means that I'll have to keep going forward and there will no longer be a reason for me to stay in my 'oh poor me' role. Which means that I will actually move into the role of a strong independent woman.
Sure, I can say that I am a strong woman time and time again, but to actually believe it is another thing altogether. To actually have proof of this and to realize that with program and HP I've actually been able to move forward and be more productive in my life than I ever imagined is truly a shocker to me.
Ugh! Why is this so hard?!? I know, it's because of what my mother told me time and again while I was growing up. That I didn't amount to anything, was mediocre, stupid...yadayadayada...
Well, I'm at a juncture in my life where I don't have to live in the shadow of what she told me. I can now move forward. And that totally freaks me out!
So, as of last night I am trying my darndest to focus on HP and not Mr. Blue Eyes. I am trying to move ahead by being in the moment and to honour me by doing what I need to in order to live the life that I know I deserve.
Yes, moment by moment, minute by minute I stay in the solution thus moving away from the old ways of thinking. I have a friend coming to visit me this weekend and I get to spend Mother's day with an adoptive mother of mine. Oh, yes, life is worth living now. As long as I keep my focus on HP I know I'll be taken care of.
Oh, goodness. Act as if. Change Perspective.
When you realize that by changing your perspective, big things can be seen as little things it becomes much harder to worry about anything.
Funky cold medina,
The Universe
Yep, this is true and we all know it but for one reason or another we always tend to forget this when we're right in the middle of it, at least I do. Well, until someone or something starts thrashing this against our heads as a little wake-up call to come back to reality.
Case in point: My belief that I need a man in my life to fill that void within my soul. My craving for a soul connection with a man to make my life have more meaning.
Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out that I was a much stronger woman than I give myself credit for and that my need for this 'God-hole' to be filled by a man could be more damaging than good. Hmm... am I writing this down right?
Basically, my fixation/codependency/life has no meaning without Mr. Blue Eyes is really a distraction on my part so that I won't have to deal with life without those rose-coloured glasses. To look at reality and to realize how far I have really come is a bit scary because then I'm left with all this growth and suddenly become afraid of what's to come. Does that make any sense?
What I'm trying to say is that if I actually take credit for my advancements then that means that I'll have to keep going forward and there will no longer be a reason for me to stay in my 'oh poor me' role. Which means that I will actually move into the role of a strong independent woman.
Sure, I can say that I am a strong woman time and time again, but to actually believe it is another thing altogether. To actually have proof of this and to realize that with program and HP I've actually been able to move forward and be more productive in my life than I ever imagined is truly a shocker to me.
Ugh! Why is this so hard?!? I know, it's because of what my mother told me time and again while I was growing up. That I didn't amount to anything, was mediocre, stupid...yadayadayada...
Well, I'm at a juncture in my life where I don't have to live in the shadow of what she told me. I can now move forward. And that totally freaks me out!
So, as of last night I am trying my darndest to focus on HP and not Mr. Blue Eyes. I am trying to move ahead by being in the moment and to honour me by doing what I need to in order to live the life that I know I deserve.
Yes, moment by moment, minute by minute I stay in the solution thus moving away from the old ways of thinking. I have a friend coming to visit me this weekend and I get to spend Mother's day with an adoptive mother of mine. Oh, yes, life is worth living now. As long as I keep my focus on HP I know I'll be taken care of.
Oh, goodness. Act as if. Change Perspective.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Optimism Spilleth Over
Something that I have noticed about my writing. It tends to be on the optimistic side. I guess this is just a part of my character but I really do wonder at times. If this is how I'm supposed to look at life then it must definitely be a good life. Quick inventory... ummm... aha uhuh aha ... I can't complain. It could definitely be much worse than what it is now. See, there goes that optimism once again!
The reason I started thinking about this was because of my ex and I - our relationship. It is such a good relationship that he is coming down next month and will be staying with me for a couple of days. Sure, he's coming down for a court thing that we both must attend, but the good part is we talked it over and are at peace with this. All we want is for the whole process to be over and done with.
Yes, I am a bit discombobulated (cool word!) with the whole aspect of having him stay at my place. Because it is no longer 'ours' but now is 'mine'. Right away I thought about how I look, what I can do to the place to fix it up, how can I show him in 'x' # of ways of how different I am?
That's what it comes down to. Proving to him that I am indeed better off on my own and that his request for a divorce was really a stepping stone for me to become a better person.
Yes, we are on good terms. But there's this part of me that wants to prove to him that he was indeed stifling me and not the other way around.
Truth is we were stifling each other. We both have found better things in life because we were more open to pursuing what makes us happy. Yes, we are both better people now and that's why we can talk with one another with such love and kindness.
Guess being optimistic isn't such a curse if anything it's a godsend.
The reason I started thinking about this was because of my ex and I - our relationship. It is such a good relationship that he is coming down next month and will be staying with me for a couple of days. Sure, he's coming down for a court thing that we both must attend, but the good part is we talked it over and are at peace with this. All we want is for the whole process to be over and done with.
Yes, I am a bit discombobulated (cool word!) with the whole aspect of having him stay at my place. Because it is no longer 'ours' but now is 'mine'. Right away I thought about how I look, what I can do to the place to fix it up, how can I show him in 'x' # of ways of how different I am?
That's what it comes down to. Proving to him that I am indeed better off on my own and that his request for a divorce was really a stepping stone for me to become a better person.
Yes, we are on good terms. But there's this part of me that wants to prove to him that he was indeed stifling me and not the other way around.
Truth is we were stifling each other. We both have found better things in life because we were more open to pursuing what makes us happy. Yes, we are both better people now and that's why we can talk with one another with such love and kindness.
Guess being optimistic isn't such a curse if anything it's a godsend.
Life Just Is
"There are no accidents.
If it's appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what's broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you're already the person you dreamed you'd become. And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
Tallyho,
The Universe"
I get these in my email from a site called Tut. I haven't really looked into the site but had a friend tell me about it one day and recommended that I sign up to receive the daily emails. Overall I'm happy with what I get. It's a nice little reminder on things. Very grounding, at times.
Now, I wanted to add this quote because it really spoke to me. This has been something that I've been trying to tell myself over and over again. That I in order for me to find true happiness is to learn to let go and be in the moment. Yes, just stay in the present. Sure, I have my moments. Don't we all?
For instance, today I was totally at peace with coming to work. Probably because I was able to run on the treadmill this morning. My little mantra was: Run towards your future. Ahhh, I keep seeing 123 and according to the Angel Numbers book by Doreen Virtue it means to SIMPLIFY!
Well, sometimes I just feel that my guides are just yelling at me. Really, I don't blame them.
But I digress.
So, got the okay on my resume, spoke to my ex yesterday and he said the check to start the licensing process is in the mail, and actually started looking at job postings. Yep, I'm on my way!
Thank you, universe, for presenting these oppotunities on my radar. Thanks.
If it's appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what's broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you're already the person you dreamed you'd become. And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
Tallyho,
The Universe"
I get these in my email from a site called Tut. I haven't really looked into the site but had a friend tell me about it one day and recommended that I sign up to receive the daily emails. Overall I'm happy with what I get. It's a nice little reminder on things. Very grounding, at times.
Now, I wanted to add this quote because it really spoke to me. This has been something that I've been trying to tell myself over and over again. That I in order for me to find true happiness is to learn to let go and be in the moment. Yes, just stay in the present. Sure, I have my moments. Don't we all?
For instance, today I was totally at peace with coming to work. Probably because I was able to run on the treadmill this morning. My little mantra was: Run towards your future. Ahhh, I keep seeing 123 and according to the Angel Numbers book by Doreen Virtue it means to SIMPLIFY!
Well, sometimes I just feel that my guides are just yelling at me. Really, I don't blame them.
But I digress.
So, got the okay on my resume, spoke to my ex yesterday and he said the check to start the licensing process is in the mail, and actually started looking at job postings. Yep, I'm on my way!
Thank you, universe, for presenting these oppotunities on my radar. Thanks.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Passing Time
This weekend was a nice one. I went with my friend to visit one of hers in a small quaint town. It was definitely a sweet experience. One that left me a bit tired this weekend.
As soon as I got home Sunday night I found myself in desperate need of cleaning up. So, I took out the weeds in the walkway (although that's not my job) and cleaning up the patio. Since I already was tired because of lack of sleep this weekend I totally crashed once I was done. Ahhhh... I was so tired that this morning I really didn't want to wake up, but it happened.
Times are a-changing! Spring cleaning for the greenery in my place is something that's quite overdue!
Look at that, it's almost 5pm. Yay! Not that I'm watching the clock or anything ;-P
Today was surprisingly a quick day as I was actually given things to do. I am totally not complaining because I already know that a check is coming soon. Oh, thank goodness.
On the bright side of life, I am meeting up with the contact person at school to help me go over my Massage Therapist Resume. My ex is helping me out for the licensing fees, I already have my table (!), and I can afford the student membership fee with the AMTA (insurace).
Sooo.... that means I'm almost in business to start applying for an actual massage job. YAY!!!!
I really wanted to make that exclamation larger, but you get the gist.
Well, time keeps going. Let's look forward to a new beginning :)
As soon as I got home Sunday night I found myself in desperate need of cleaning up. So, I took out the weeds in the walkway (although that's not my job) and cleaning up the patio. Since I already was tired because of lack of sleep this weekend I totally crashed once I was done. Ahhhh... I was so tired that this morning I really didn't want to wake up, but it happened.
Times are a-changing! Spring cleaning for the greenery in my place is something that's quite overdue!
Look at that, it's almost 5pm. Yay! Not that I'm watching the clock or anything ;-P
Today was surprisingly a quick day as I was actually given things to do. I am totally not complaining because I already know that a check is coming soon. Oh, thank goodness.
On the bright side of life, I am meeting up with the contact person at school to help me go over my Massage Therapist Resume. My ex is helping me out for the licensing fees, I already have my table (!), and I can afford the student membership fee with the AMTA (insurace).
Sooo.... that means I'm almost in business to start applying for an actual massage job. YAY!!!!
I really wanted to make that exclamation larger, but you get the gist.
Well, time keeps going. Let's look forward to a new beginning :)
Friday, May 2, 2008
Moments
So, this is where I'm at. Sitting at a desk temping for this department that doesn't give me much work. Sitting at a desk where I cannot see the light of the day. Sitting here wondering why I had to let it go on for so long, wandering from office to office working for the money and not working in something that makes me happy.
And you know what? I am so glad that I'm in freefall. Sooo happy to be on course to a new life. I have my moments where time goes by quickly and others where it's absolutely downright dragging. During one of those moments (the dragging) today I found myself thinking of Mr. Blue Eyes.
I felt this calm and serenity come over me and I thought: Just knowing that you are alive and exist in the world is enough to get me through anything. Knowing that some day soon I will see you again, makes anything between now and then worth living. Just one second closer to having you in front of me. One second closer to be able to smell you once again. One second closer to having your eyes jump into mine. One second closer to feeling you pressed against me in an embrace. Just one second closer makes life's ups and downs worth living.
Oh yes, that was a nice thought that makes any moment in life worth living.
And you know what? I am so glad that I'm in freefall. Sooo happy to be on course to a new life. I have my moments where time goes by quickly and others where it's absolutely downright dragging. During one of those moments (the dragging) today I found myself thinking of Mr. Blue Eyes.
I felt this calm and serenity come over me and I thought: Just knowing that you are alive and exist in the world is enough to get me through anything. Knowing that some day soon I will see you again, makes anything between now and then worth living. Just one second closer to having you in front of me. One second closer to be able to smell you once again. One second closer to having your eyes jump into mine. One second closer to feeling you pressed against me in an embrace. Just one second closer makes life's ups and downs worth living.
Oh yes, that was a nice thought that makes any moment in life worth living.
Friday!!!!
So, this is my first week here and I'm actually glad I stuck it out. My check next week will be nice! I spoke to the landlord and he would wait on the rent for a week. Thank You, God!!!
Yes, I will be here for a couple of months and that's good. A nice paycheck where I get to save, save, save!!! Create a nice cushion to fall on while I'm working in what I really love, Massage Therapy :)
This weekend I get to go with some friends out of town AND next weekend a girl-friend of mine is coming into town to visit!! So, we're totally going to go out and have some fun :-D
Yay!!
Well, it's 1pm. Gotta go and have me some lunch.
Later.
Yes, I will be here for a couple of months and that's good. A nice paycheck where I get to save, save, save!!! Create a nice cushion to fall on while I'm working in what I really love, Massage Therapy :)
This weekend I get to go with some friends out of town AND next weekend a girl-friend of mine is coming into town to visit!! So, we're totally going to go out and have some fun :-D
Yay!!
Well, it's 1pm. Gotta go and have me some lunch.
Later.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Another day...
Here's another day. I am trying to figure out what to do. The week is almost over and no one is giving me anything to do that really would take all day. Sure, I have filing and am done with that as quickly as possible, but otherwise: nada!
Ahhh... I looked up some info for Doctor Who and kinda miss the show. See, as I was going through the transition of living on my own one of the things I changed was the tv situation.
Yes, it was a situation. I would sit in front of this thing and just binge all day watching it. What a bore! Which is why as soon as I got abstinent and realized I needed to do something for me, I unplugged the sucker, put it in it's box with the dvd player and sealed it tight! Moving it to the storage area.
Now, if I want to see a show I watch it online. Thank goodness for modern technology! No commercials and no set time schedule to live by. That way I can do all the other things that I truly enjoy, like living in the outside world. Sure, once in awhile I go over to a friend's house and watch a couple of novelas for fun. But that's only a couple times a month.
Speaking of that, I actually did that yesterday :) But, I was really there to pick up my massage table. Ohhhh.....!!!! It was so purty! Yep, yep, purty!
Okay, it's made out of wood and is a dark brown chocolaty color. Yum! I ended up laying on that beautiful table for a good hour. It was long enough for tall people and wide enough for the real person and just oh sooo comfy! Just like a table should be. I call her Anastacia (with all the A's being soft). Yep. I named my massage table.
This morning I came in and let the girl that I was replacing know that I am looking into licensure and will not be applying for the position.
That means that I jumped and can't go back.
Thank goodness for faith.
Ahhh... I looked up some info for Doctor Who and kinda miss the show. See, as I was going through the transition of living on my own one of the things I changed was the tv situation.
Yes, it was a situation. I would sit in front of this thing and just binge all day watching it. What a bore! Which is why as soon as I got abstinent and realized I needed to do something for me, I unplugged the sucker, put it in it's box with the dvd player and sealed it tight! Moving it to the storage area.
Now, if I want to see a show I watch it online. Thank goodness for modern technology! No commercials and no set time schedule to live by. That way I can do all the other things that I truly enjoy, like living in the outside world. Sure, once in awhile I go over to a friend's house and watch a couple of novelas for fun. But that's only a couple times a month.
Speaking of that, I actually did that yesterday :) But, I was really there to pick up my massage table. Ohhhh.....!!!! It was so purty! Yep, yep, purty!
Okay, it's made out of wood and is a dark brown chocolaty color. Yum! I ended up laying on that beautiful table for a good hour. It was long enough for tall people and wide enough for the real person and just oh sooo comfy! Just like a table should be. I call her Anastacia (with all the A's being soft). Yep. I named my massage table.
This morning I came in and let the girl that I was replacing know that I am looking into licensure and will not be applying for the position.
That means that I jumped and can't go back.
Thank goodness for faith.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Jumping ... I think ...
Well, I am actually doing it! Sure, it costs $624.00 but it's totally worth it! Heck, I just spent ca. $216.00 on a table. Come on. To now not want to pay for the licensing just makes no sense!
I've felt a shift at work... and it hasn't even been a full three days here, yet!
I am not staying here but am going to do what I need to in order to get a job in something I really want: massage therapy.
Oh boy, I think I'm jumping! Better now than later, that's how I look at it :)
Alrighty then, let's look into how much it would cost to get insurance...
Later.
I've felt a shift at work... and it hasn't even been a full three days here, yet!
I am not staying here but am going to do what I need to in order to get a job in something I really want: massage therapy.
Oh boy, I think I'm jumping! Better now than later, that's how I look at it :)
Alrighty then, let's look into how much it would cost to get insurance...
Later.
Love Lost
This is from another blog (Conversations with a Brick Wall):
"Gordon Lightfoot actually wrote this song about his own divorce. I never really got this song before, but now I think I do. It’s hard to let go of love, even when you know it’s not working. But sometimes no amount of trying can get back what was lost. You just have to mourn for what you had.
I am so confused and lonely and heartbroken right now. I want to believe in love, I know that it exists, I’ve felt it in it’s purest form–but my life just isn’t making any sense to me tonight.
If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see.
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
When you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you won’t read that book again
Because the ending’s just too hard to take
I’d walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me.
But for now, love, let’s be real;
I never thought I could act this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong,
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back.
If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong.
With chains upon my feet.
But stories always end,
And if you read between the lines,
You’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand
The feelin’s that you lack.
I never thought I could feel this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong,
But the feelin’s gone
And I just can’t get it back"
Boy, do I ever agree. Sure, I still talk to my ex as friends and although our relationship transitioned to friendship pretty easily, compared to others, I do still distinctly remember the pain involved during the transition, especially in the beginning. My goodness, the denial and then the self-blame, to blaming others and circumstances, while knowing the entire time that there had to be something more to this.
That life would be this cruel and show me love for a brief moment only to throw it all away.
Well, those were my thoughts. Given to tears, pain, yearning, loneliness, despair and regret. Only to find that through time this became sorrow which meant the time for healing, transformation and growth created new opportunities, hope and a chance to live life once again.
My goodness, how far I have come in such a short period of time. Yes, I did have quite a few set backs as I crushed on a man who was twice my age just because I felt I needed to have a warm body next to me in bed (Which never happened, thank goodness, he never even kissed me!!) and a fear that if I did not have a man in my life then I would amount to nothing. But that soon passed to be quickly replaced with a man only a few years older than I who just happened to be the epitome of what I am looking for in a mate.
But, alas, the universe realized that it was still too early for me to be with someone so he was sent away to keep living his life. Sure, we still keep contact but the distance is really a damper on anything actually happening between he and I.
I know that looking back I will see how wise and considerate the universe was with me for giving me this time to be independent and become the woman that I need to be without a man to define me - my true self. I need that so that when I am actually, truly, ready to be in a relationship it will be equal. Not one where I morph into him and lose myself completely. No! That will not happen!
Sooo.... I am learning how to be friends with a man that I love. That seems to be easy at the moment, especially since he lives 7 hours away and hasn't really expressed any romantic interest... hmmm, could be because he's in a grieving state. Nope, that does not make me sound self-absorbed or selfish at all...
Thank You, God, for these life lessons. (grumble, grumble, grumble)...
Well, that's where I'm at for now.
"Gordon Lightfoot actually wrote this song about his own divorce. I never really got this song before, but now I think I do. It’s hard to let go of love, even when you know it’s not working. But sometimes no amount of trying can get back what was lost. You just have to mourn for what you had.
I am so confused and lonely and heartbroken right now. I want to believe in love, I know that it exists, I’ve felt it in it’s purest form–but my life just isn’t making any sense to me tonight.
If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see.
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
When you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you won’t read that book again
Because the ending’s just too hard to take
I’d walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me.
But for now, love, let’s be real;
I never thought I could act this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong,
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back.
If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong.
With chains upon my feet.
But stories always end,
And if you read between the lines,
You’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand
The feelin’s that you lack.
I never thought I could feel this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong,
But the feelin’s gone
And I just can’t get it back"
Boy, do I ever agree. Sure, I still talk to my ex as friends and although our relationship transitioned to friendship pretty easily, compared to others, I do still distinctly remember the pain involved during the transition, especially in the beginning. My goodness, the denial and then the self-blame, to blaming others and circumstances, while knowing the entire time that there had to be something more to this.
That life would be this cruel and show me love for a brief moment only to throw it all away.
Well, those were my thoughts. Given to tears, pain, yearning, loneliness, despair and regret. Only to find that through time this became sorrow which meant the time for healing, transformation and growth created new opportunities, hope and a chance to live life once again.
My goodness, how far I have come in such a short period of time. Yes, I did have quite a few set backs as I crushed on a man who was twice my age just because I felt I needed to have a warm body next to me in bed (Which never happened, thank goodness, he never even kissed me!!) and a fear that if I did not have a man in my life then I would amount to nothing. But that soon passed to be quickly replaced with a man only a few years older than I who just happened to be the epitome of what I am looking for in a mate.
But, alas, the universe realized that it was still too early for me to be with someone so he was sent away to keep living his life. Sure, we still keep contact but the distance is really a damper on anything actually happening between he and I.
I know that looking back I will see how wise and considerate the universe was with me for giving me this time to be independent and become the woman that I need to be without a man to define me - my true self. I need that so that when I am actually, truly, ready to be in a relationship it will be equal. Not one where I morph into him and lose myself completely. No! That will not happen!
Sooo.... I am learning how to be friends with a man that I love. That seems to be easy at the moment, especially since he lives 7 hours away and hasn't really expressed any romantic interest... hmmm, could be because he's in a grieving state. Nope, that does not make me sound self-absorbed or selfish at all...
Thank You, God, for these life lessons. (grumble, grumble, grumble)...
Well, that's where I'm at for now.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday
I still have 2 more hours here at work and don't know how to spend my time!!! Well, I do. It's just that I don't really feel like doing it. See, there is really NOTHING for me to do :( I have replied to all of my emails, done my thing on SparkPeople, even looked up some things for fun on the net, and now am just procrastinating a bit from actually doing my studying. Sooo.... let's blog! I don't know if I mentioned that I wrote a letter to Mr. Blue Eyes, well, I did. I made sure to go through about 20 drafts before ending on the Final One that I then sent by snail mail. Sooo, he got if for sure yesterday, but I think it was this past weekend. It wasn't an outright love letter but definitely one of gratitude and love (now what type of love, I did not specify - the man is grieving here!). I really am trying really, Really, REALLY hard to give this issue over which means that I don't get all antsy about it and trust in the universe's timing for it is always perfect although My time schedule may say otherwise, it does always work out for the best. In the meantime I try to keep myself busy by staying in the moment at work (which is really one of the most relaxing places I've been at in awhile), at school, and when I do finally manage to get home, well, I go to bed thankful that I have finished another day! Well, always trying to stay optimistic :)
Monday, April 28, 2008
Retreats
Sooo.... this past weekend I went on a retreat near the beautiful ocean and was just tickled with all of this time I spent just being.
I really am trying to just stay in the moment but I must admit, it does get hard at times!
On the bright side, here I am at work and finding out very quickly that this job also does not entail too much work on my part! Actually, I don't think the phone has rung once for the actual department. It's so laid back and calm. The girl who's training me told me that I really should bring in my homework to work on during the day. I responded with a very unladylike grunt. But, I did not bring my school work today because it was the first day... so, thanks for the permission for tomorrow!!!
I did get to look up a topic for my presentation. I decided on talking about somatic massage...or body-mind massage. Basically, it's about releasing emotions. I find this very interesting. At first I was going to just talk about doing massage and meditation and how it could help with client retention but then I remember taking this class that was an introductory course a long ways back... so... hmmm.... sounds like a great idea!
Well, here we are with a new topic and actually one that I find of interest.
Ohhh, I ended up talking about work instead of the retreat. Ummm..... it was a great experience where I found myself meditating by the ocean, going for walks on the beach, and actually jogging a trail by the creek nearby. It was definitely a wonderful experience. Ahhh... thank goodness for retreats! Of course I also spent time in the 'meetings' throughout the day and mingling with fellow 12 steppers but I must say, this was something I'm truly grateful for doing.
Ahhh, must go back to doing research for my presentation!
I really am trying to just stay in the moment but I must admit, it does get hard at times!
On the bright side, here I am at work and finding out very quickly that this job also does not entail too much work on my part! Actually, I don't think the phone has rung once for the actual department. It's so laid back and calm. The girl who's training me told me that I really should bring in my homework to work on during the day. I responded with a very unladylike grunt. But, I did not bring my school work today because it was the first day... so, thanks for the permission for tomorrow!!!
I did get to look up a topic for my presentation. I decided on talking about somatic massage...or body-mind massage. Basically, it's about releasing emotions. I find this very interesting. At first I was going to just talk about doing massage and meditation and how it could help with client retention but then I remember taking this class that was an introductory course a long ways back... so... hmmm.... sounds like a great idea!
Well, here we are with a new topic and actually one that I find of interest.
Ohhh, I ended up talking about work instead of the retreat. Ummm..... it was a great experience where I found myself meditating by the ocean, going for walks on the beach, and actually jogging a trail by the creek nearby. It was definitely a wonderful experience. Ahhh... thank goodness for retreats! Of course I also spent time in the 'meetings' throughout the day and mingling with fellow 12 steppers but I must say, this was something I'm truly grateful for doing.
Ahhh, must go back to doing research for my presentation!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Exciting News!
I now have a job!!! Yeah, it's a temp one, but the most important thing to consider with this one is that it's definitely a long-term one :) that could become permanent. I am just sooo happy to finally be in a position of actually becoming truly independent :-D
I pretty much let everyone know of the good news yesterday and am totally psyched that this is happening! At the same time I'm doing my best to stay reserved about this because I know that nothing is really permanent (case in point: my divorce).
So, last night I actually went and celebrated with my friend :) We had sushi and got to compare notes on how we're doing in life and what we get to learn right now. Oh, yay, such joy in those prospects. (Well, that was said a bit sarcastically...) The truth is I am really grateful for these growing opportunities and know that I shouldn't fear anything that comes into my life because as long as I have faith things will always turn out the way they should.
Just look at the whole job situation! I went in for a job interview at the same place, in a slightly different department, and was not picked. As soon as I went in yesterday the lady was already talking to me like I already had the position and I hadn't even spoken to the guy who would be my new boss... Sooo, as she was walking me to his office she told me to just come by hers afterwards so we could iron out the details. I was like, he's going to tell me I have it right then and there? Sure enough, that's how things worked out! It turns out that the first guy really would have wanted to hire me but HR said no more temps! So, he recommended me to his pal in the other department and voila!! Golden opportunity for me :-D This job pays more and has less responsibility :) Yay!!!
Lesson learned: Always. ALWAYS. Always, do those Thank You letters!
Goodness! I am in such a great space :)
I pretty much let everyone know of the good news yesterday and am totally psyched that this is happening! At the same time I'm doing my best to stay reserved about this because I know that nothing is really permanent (case in point: my divorce).
So, last night I actually went and celebrated with my friend :) We had sushi and got to compare notes on how we're doing in life and what we get to learn right now. Oh, yay, such joy in those prospects. (Well, that was said a bit sarcastically...) The truth is I am really grateful for these growing opportunities and know that I shouldn't fear anything that comes into my life because as long as I have faith things will always turn out the way they should.
Just look at the whole job situation! I went in for a job interview at the same place, in a slightly different department, and was not picked. As soon as I went in yesterday the lady was already talking to me like I already had the position and I hadn't even spoken to the guy who would be my new boss... Sooo, as she was walking me to his office she told me to just come by hers afterwards so we could iron out the details. I was like, he's going to tell me I have it right then and there? Sure enough, that's how things worked out! It turns out that the first guy really would have wanted to hire me but HR said no more temps! So, he recommended me to his pal in the other department and voila!! Golden opportunity for me :-D This job pays more and has less responsibility :) Yay!!!
Lesson learned: Always. ALWAYS. Always, do those Thank You letters!
Goodness! I am in such a great space :)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Venting and Living
Well, it seems that my friend has been letting out a lot of steam that keeps her bogged down on her blog and has just noticed that this seems to be a big part of her that she keeps hidden from the world by sugar-coating it with jokes and outright denial.
As for me, I do the same. But one thing I have noticed is that by working program (I'm in a 12-step group) I get to write these feelings down. I was at a meeting yesterday that said program really ruins a good binge. Being sober really makes one aware of the current moment and what a pain that can be! Hey! It's the truth!!
On the other hand, being abstinent and in the moment is a true gift. Yesterday I had great moments of peace and serenity wash over me one hour and then the next I was triggered into outright sobbing. Damnation to emotions!!! But... I am grateful to be in a place where I can finally feel and not be filled with guilt for this occurrence.
The other day I was going through my journals starting with a few months before my divorce, and to see how much I was in my disease, to see how hard I was trying to live life and to see that I was not giving up and how through time this translated into actual recovery to where I am living now is truly amazing. To be in a place where I no longer am ruled by the disease and actually see that the obsession has been lifted is a miracle. Sure, I'm human, there are times where I slip and grab that delicious morsel and have it in my hands.... say, like this morning... what do I do? Simple, I call my sponsors and keep calling people until I get a live person so that I can tell them where I'm at and what my plan of action is going to be. I ask my HP for help and I don't let that morsel actually pass my lips. Sure, it's not always this easy, but each time it does get easier because through time I'd rather be in a bad day sober that a good day in the disease. The bad day sober always beats the other. Always.
What do I do with that anger, fatigue, loneliness, self-pity, hopelessness, et cetera? I keep on trudging. I keep on keeping on and remember that 'yard by yard it's too hard, inch by inch it's a cinch'.
Ahhh... slogans are just so awesome! Yep, today is another day of studying/working/living.
Thank Goodness for Today!
ODAAT
As for me, I do the same. But one thing I have noticed is that by working program (I'm in a 12-step group) I get to write these feelings down. I was at a meeting yesterday that said program really ruins a good binge. Being sober really makes one aware of the current moment and what a pain that can be! Hey! It's the truth!!
On the other hand, being abstinent and in the moment is a true gift. Yesterday I had great moments of peace and serenity wash over me one hour and then the next I was triggered into outright sobbing. Damnation to emotions!!! But... I am grateful to be in a place where I can finally feel and not be filled with guilt for this occurrence.
The other day I was going through my journals starting with a few months before my divorce, and to see how much I was in my disease, to see how hard I was trying to live life and to see that I was not giving up and how through time this translated into actual recovery to where I am living now is truly amazing. To be in a place where I no longer am ruled by the disease and actually see that the obsession has been lifted is a miracle. Sure, I'm human, there are times where I slip and grab that delicious morsel and have it in my hands.... say, like this morning... what do I do? Simple, I call my sponsors and keep calling people until I get a live person so that I can tell them where I'm at and what my plan of action is going to be. I ask my HP for help and I don't let that morsel actually pass my lips. Sure, it's not always this easy, but each time it does get easier because through time I'd rather be in a bad day sober that a good day in the disease. The bad day sober always beats the other. Always.
What do I do with that anger, fatigue, loneliness, self-pity, hopelessness, et cetera? I keep on trudging. I keep on keeping on and remember that 'yard by yard it's too hard, inch by inch it's a cinch'.
Ahhh... slogans are just so awesome! Yep, today is another day of studying/working/living.
Thank Goodness for Today!
ODAAT
Monday, April 21, 2008
Feeling a Bit Under The Weather
Well, last night was just a dandy night! Spent tossing and turning, coughing and hacking up ungodly things, and still needing to wake up at 530 this morning to get to work.
Ahhh... what we do to get paid! Well, this is part of being a grown up and with that comes: responsibility. Ta-da!!! Oh yeah, why can't I be a carefree kid once again... Oh, wait... not in my household. Okay, I am grateful to be where I am - on my own, paying bills, and enjoying life one day at a time :)
So, after taking some cold medicine I find myself having a slight sore throat and coughing every once in awhile. The only bad thing is that I have to answer the phone and actually talk. Oh well.
On the bright side, they pretty much leave me alone which means I get to do my own thing (like this blog) and get my school work nice and neat. I am just really looking forward to 330 so that I can go home and crawl into bed for a bit before I go to school.
Well, I am just so happy that I get to do things for me. I get to read my book, write a letter to a friend, study a bit, and just surf the net. Yes, today is going to go nice and smoothly!
Take care.
Ahhh... what we do to get paid! Well, this is part of being a grown up and with that comes: responsibility. Ta-da!!! Oh yeah, why can't I be a carefree kid once again... Oh, wait... not in my household. Okay, I am grateful to be where I am - on my own, paying bills, and enjoying life one day at a time :)
So, after taking some cold medicine I find myself having a slight sore throat and coughing every once in awhile. The only bad thing is that I have to answer the phone and actually talk. Oh well.
On the bright side, they pretty much leave me alone which means I get to do my own thing (like this blog) and get my school work nice and neat. I am just really looking forward to 330 so that I can go home and crawl into bed for a bit before I go to school.
Well, I am just so happy that I get to do things for me. I get to read my book, write a letter to a friend, study a bit, and just surf the net. Yes, today is going to go nice and smoothly!
Take care.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Unrequited Love
This is from one of the blogs that I actually read (The Bamboo Stick):
"So, yesterday, when I was feeling so pissy, I went to YouTube and started to watch clips of Les Miserables, the musical based on Victor Hugo's novel. I love this musical. Of all the musicals I have seen, this one is still my favorite...the song I related to the most was Eponine's On my own. What girl/woman who's ever dealt with unrequited love CAN'T relate to this song?
And now I'm all alone again
No where to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to.
But now the night is near
And I can make believe
He's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes
And he has found me.
In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me
Forever and forever
And I know
It's only in my mind.
That I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although
I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us.
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river.
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare
And everywhere, the streets are full of strangers.
I love him
But everyday, I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending.
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only
On my own "
This really made me think. I have found myself falling for a man who is just wonderful.
His eyes are as blue as the ocean shining in the sun, the hues changing according to his mood but the best color being that light shade of blue as he stares into my eyes and says oh so much without uttering a word. His values, morals, and character are what make him desirable. Yes, he is also a beautiful specimen of a man but what captures my heart is his soul.
Yeah, a bit cheesy, but this is true. To tell you the truth, this doesn't cover the true depth of my feelings for him. This is the first time in my life where I find myself fighting the feelings. Sure, I can express them now, but the truth is I have fought this to the core of my being from the very beginning.
I don't know where I'm going with this...
Oh, yeah, my fear is that even as he is coping with his life and learning how to live once more - that when his healing is complete he will not choose me to be a part of his life romantically, that is. My fear is that I will always remain the friend and confidant but never become his lover and life partner. There. I wrote it.
Well, thank goodness I have work and school to keep me occupied. Until later.
"So, yesterday, when I was feeling so pissy, I went to YouTube and started to watch clips of Les Miserables, the musical based on Victor Hugo's novel. I love this musical. Of all the musicals I have seen, this one is still my favorite...the song I related to the most was Eponine's On my own. What girl/woman who's ever dealt with unrequited love CAN'T relate to this song?
And now I'm all alone again
No where to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to.
But now the night is near
And I can make believe
He's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes
And he has found me.
In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me
Forever and forever
And I know
It's only in my mind.
That I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although
I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us.
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river.
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare
And everywhere, the streets are full of strangers.
I love him
But everyday, I'm learning
All my life, I've only been pretending.
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only
On my own "
This really made me think. I have found myself falling for a man who is just wonderful.
His eyes are as blue as the ocean shining in the sun, the hues changing according to his mood but the best color being that light shade of blue as he stares into my eyes and says oh so much without uttering a word. His values, morals, and character are what make him desirable. Yes, he is also a beautiful specimen of a man but what captures my heart is his soul.
Yeah, a bit cheesy, but this is true. To tell you the truth, this doesn't cover the true depth of my feelings for him. This is the first time in my life where I find myself fighting the feelings. Sure, I can express them now, but the truth is I have fought this to the core of my being from the very beginning.
I don't know where I'm going with this...
Oh, yeah, my fear is that even as he is coping with his life and learning how to live once more - that when his healing is complete he will not choose me to be a part of his life romantically, that is. My fear is that I will always remain the friend and confidant but never become his lover and life partner. There. I wrote it.
Well, thank goodness I have work and school to keep me occupied. Until later.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Life's Humour
Well, I was reading a friend's blog and noticed that I am kinda afraid of falling into my old routine of being the one who falls for a boy who only likes me as a friend. Yep, this was the reason why I am doing this.
As it turns out, in September '07 my ex asked me for a divorce. I'm cool with that now... to be fair I asked him first in February and then we did the whole marriage counseling bit, but the truth was we just were no longer 'in love' with one another but were merely 'roommates'.
Yep, I am thrown back, once again, onto the label of a singleton. To be more accurate: Divorcée.
Let's just talk about that for a bit. See, I had no idea of how many have been through a divorce until I started sharing that I was getting one. Being in the whole Marriage camp I just thought there weren't many divorced people out there. It was this sort of disease that happened to people once in awhile but they basically disappeared or left the city when something like 'divorce' came over their household. Sure, we saw single people everywhere applying for Marriage camp, but not many divorced people. In the end, being part of Marriage camp was what everyone wanted... right?
Well, now that I've left that place I realize that for me, I am much happier. Especially since I never knew what it was like to live on my own. So, here I am dealing with a budget just on my salary (well, he does help me with half of the rent for now), going to school, finding a job, figuring out what it is I like and doing things that I am interested in is totally rewarding and fulfilling.
Look, I felt that I had to get married at 21 so that I could leave my household. My parents were just too overbearing and I literally was dying slowly. My ex and I both realized that we got together for a reason and are now separating because we made each other better people up to a point and the best thing to do now is move on. It's uncommon (so I hear from fellow Divorcée's) to actually be on good terms with the ex and to have the whole proceeding go so smoothly.
I can't complain. He's still one of my buds and we help each other out whenever possible, be it moral or monetary support.
Soooo.... that's just a little background with my ex. Now, how did I get to talking about that?
Oh yeah, the boy who's a friend but maybe more... Look, it's been 7 months and I wasn't looking for this guy. If anything I tried my damnedest to stay away from him but something happened...
Let me just say, he called me first! Sure it was an outreach call, he needed support for a family problem and at first I was cool with this and was totally there for him. Then, through time, I noticed that these conversations became 'getting to know you' convos and I found myself thinking about him more and more when I wasn't talking with him. I found myself looking forward to seeing him, taking every opportunity available to be with him in person.
Goodness! Something was happening to me. Now, mind you, I always knew I had a crush on him even before I was getting divorced. That is why I stayed away from him! But, the universe always found a way to bring us back together. Well, great. The universe also seems to have some sick sense of humor because just as soon as things start to look somewhat promising (remember that family trouble?) he needs to go back home. Home is 7 hours away!!! Can you believe that?
He has a new job there for the mean time because he doesn't know how long he will have to stay there and now we only have had a couple of weird phone convos and no person to person contact. Great. What will happen next? Beats me. Right now I am just learning to be in the moment and not to think of him too much... ha! So much for that one. Look at me. I started a blog to vent about that one thing.
Don't get me wrong, I know there's a lot more to life to vent about. It's just that right now that seems to be my number one topic on my mind. Ahhh... almost time to leave work. Yay!
As it turns out, in September '07 my ex asked me for a divorce. I'm cool with that now... to be fair I asked him first in February and then we did the whole marriage counseling bit, but the truth was we just were no longer 'in love' with one another but were merely 'roommates'.
Yep, I am thrown back, once again, onto the label of a singleton. To be more accurate: Divorcée.
Let's just talk about that for a bit. See, I had no idea of how many have been through a divorce until I started sharing that I was getting one. Being in the whole Marriage camp I just thought there weren't many divorced people out there. It was this sort of disease that happened to people once in awhile but they basically disappeared or left the city when something like 'divorce' came over their household. Sure, we saw single people everywhere applying for Marriage camp, but not many divorced people. In the end, being part of Marriage camp was what everyone wanted... right?
Well, now that I've left that place I realize that for me, I am much happier. Especially since I never knew what it was like to live on my own. So, here I am dealing with a budget just on my salary (well, he does help me with half of the rent for now), going to school, finding a job, figuring out what it is I like and doing things that I am interested in is totally rewarding and fulfilling.
Look, I felt that I had to get married at 21 so that I could leave my household. My parents were just too overbearing and I literally was dying slowly. My ex and I both realized that we got together for a reason and are now separating because we made each other better people up to a point and the best thing to do now is move on. It's uncommon (so I hear from fellow Divorcée's) to actually be on good terms with the ex and to have the whole proceeding go so smoothly.
I can't complain. He's still one of my buds and we help each other out whenever possible, be it moral or monetary support.
Soooo.... that's just a little background with my ex. Now, how did I get to talking about that?
Oh yeah, the boy who's a friend but maybe more... Look, it's been 7 months and I wasn't looking for this guy. If anything I tried my damnedest to stay away from him but something happened...
Let me just say, he called me first! Sure it was an outreach call, he needed support for a family problem and at first I was cool with this and was totally there for him. Then, through time, I noticed that these conversations became 'getting to know you' convos and I found myself thinking about him more and more when I wasn't talking with him. I found myself looking forward to seeing him, taking every opportunity available to be with him in person.
Goodness! Something was happening to me. Now, mind you, I always knew I had a crush on him even before I was getting divorced. That is why I stayed away from him! But, the universe always found a way to bring us back together. Well, great. The universe also seems to have some sick sense of humor because just as soon as things start to look somewhat promising (remember that family trouble?) he needs to go back home. Home is 7 hours away!!! Can you believe that?
He has a new job there for the mean time because he doesn't know how long he will have to stay there and now we only have had a couple of weird phone convos and no person to person contact. Great. What will happen next? Beats me. Right now I am just learning to be in the moment and not to think of him too much... ha! So much for that one. Look at me. I started a blog to vent about that one thing.
Don't get me wrong, I know there's a lot more to life to vent about. It's just that right now that seems to be my number one topic on my mind. Ahhh... almost time to leave work. Yay!
Hiya!
Well, not really sure if I'm a writer or not but I feel that this is the best way to vent some things that are coming my way.
Right now I am going to school to be a massage therapist which is something that I didn't realize was a real passion of mine. I started doing this 10 years ago but didn't pursue it... trying not to scream at that fact, who knows where I would be now? Well, the best part is that this time around I am really learning a whole lot more and truly, dearly, and profusely am grateful for this opportunity once again!
The main reason I started this blog was because I just wanted to talk about things that I've been learning recently and really, really, really just want to have things sorted out. Sooo, why not do this online?
Hey, this doesn't seem to be such a strange thought now that I see all these people blogging and such. Anywho... I must go back to working... *Sigh*
Can't wait until I finish school!!!
Y'all take care now.
Right now I am going to school to be a massage therapist which is something that I didn't realize was a real passion of mine. I started doing this 10 years ago but didn't pursue it... trying not to scream at that fact, who knows where I would be now? Well, the best part is that this time around I am really learning a whole lot more and truly, dearly, and profusely am grateful for this opportunity once again!
The main reason I started this blog was because I just wanted to talk about things that I've been learning recently and really, really, really just want to have things sorted out. Sooo, why not do this online?
Hey, this doesn't seem to be such a strange thought now that I see all these people blogging and such. Anywho... I must go back to working... *Sigh*
Can't wait until I finish school!!!
Y'all take care now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)