As of September I've been living on my own, we were just doing a 'trial separation'. He asked for a divorce a couple of weeks later. Beginning of June I'll see him again.
I've been saying that it's been 7 months since I now have an ex and I just realized that the end of this month will be 9 months. Nine months. Nine. Wow.
I just read my horoscope for the month. Yes, I do that. Especially since I like to pass the time here at work with doing Something! I've even read some interesting tidbits online, done research for my presentation, and even looked into the news a bit. Pretty much, the world is still turning and people are still living/suffering/dying/rejoicing... Come on, isn't that life in a nutshell?
Maybe the realization that 9 months have passed has made me a bit jaded. Hey! I'm allowed my moments.
Hmmm....
- Masha
- Reading is a conversation. All books talk. But a good book listens as well. --Mark Haddon
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Perspective
Here's another Tut tidbit:
When you realize that by changing your perspective, big things can be seen as little things it becomes much harder to worry about anything.
Funky cold medina,
The Universe
Yep, this is true and we all know it but for one reason or another we always tend to forget this when we're right in the middle of it, at least I do. Well, until someone or something starts thrashing this against our heads as a little wake-up call to come back to reality.
Case in point: My belief that I need a man in my life to fill that void within my soul. My craving for a soul connection with a man to make my life have more meaning.
Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out that I was a much stronger woman than I give myself credit for and that my need for this 'God-hole' to be filled by a man could be more damaging than good. Hmm... am I writing this down right?
Basically, my fixation/codependency/life has no meaning without Mr. Blue Eyes is really a distraction on my part so that I won't have to deal with life without those rose-coloured glasses. To look at reality and to realize how far I have really come is a bit scary because then I'm left with all this growth and suddenly become afraid of what's to come. Does that make any sense?
What I'm trying to say is that if I actually take credit for my advancements then that means that I'll have to keep going forward and there will no longer be a reason for me to stay in my 'oh poor me' role. Which means that I will actually move into the role of a strong independent woman.
Sure, I can say that I am a strong woman time and time again, but to actually believe it is another thing altogether. To actually have proof of this and to realize that with program and HP I've actually been able to move forward and be more productive in my life than I ever imagined is truly a shocker to me.
Ugh! Why is this so hard?!? I know, it's because of what my mother told me time and again while I was growing up. That I didn't amount to anything, was mediocre, stupid...yadayadayada...
Well, I'm at a juncture in my life where I don't have to live in the shadow of what she told me. I can now move forward. And that totally freaks me out!
So, as of last night I am trying my darndest to focus on HP and not Mr. Blue Eyes. I am trying to move ahead by being in the moment and to honour me by doing what I need to in order to live the life that I know I deserve.
Yes, moment by moment, minute by minute I stay in the solution thus moving away from the old ways of thinking. I have a friend coming to visit me this weekend and I get to spend Mother's day with an adoptive mother of mine. Oh, yes, life is worth living now. As long as I keep my focus on HP I know I'll be taken care of.
Oh, goodness. Act as if. Change Perspective.
When you realize that by changing your perspective, big things can be seen as little things it becomes much harder to worry about anything.
Funky cold medina,
The Universe
Yep, this is true and we all know it but for one reason or another we always tend to forget this when we're right in the middle of it, at least I do. Well, until someone or something starts thrashing this against our heads as a little wake-up call to come back to reality.
Case in point: My belief that I need a man in my life to fill that void within my soul. My craving for a soul connection with a man to make my life have more meaning.
Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out that I was a much stronger woman than I give myself credit for and that my need for this 'God-hole' to be filled by a man could be more damaging than good. Hmm... am I writing this down right?
Basically, my fixation/codependency/life has no meaning without Mr. Blue Eyes is really a distraction on my part so that I won't have to deal with life without those rose-coloured glasses. To look at reality and to realize how far I have really come is a bit scary because then I'm left with all this growth and suddenly become afraid of what's to come. Does that make any sense?
What I'm trying to say is that if I actually take credit for my advancements then that means that I'll have to keep going forward and there will no longer be a reason for me to stay in my 'oh poor me' role. Which means that I will actually move into the role of a strong independent woman.
Sure, I can say that I am a strong woman time and time again, but to actually believe it is another thing altogether. To actually have proof of this and to realize that with program and HP I've actually been able to move forward and be more productive in my life than I ever imagined is truly a shocker to me.
Ugh! Why is this so hard?!? I know, it's because of what my mother told me time and again while I was growing up. That I didn't amount to anything, was mediocre, stupid...yadayadayada...
Well, I'm at a juncture in my life where I don't have to live in the shadow of what she told me. I can now move forward. And that totally freaks me out!
So, as of last night I am trying my darndest to focus on HP and not Mr. Blue Eyes. I am trying to move ahead by being in the moment and to honour me by doing what I need to in order to live the life that I know I deserve.
Yes, moment by moment, minute by minute I stay in the solution thus moving away from the old ways of thinking. I have a friend coming to visit me this weekend and I get to spend Mother's day with an adoptive mother of mine. Oh, yes, life is worth living now. As long as I keep my focus on HP I know I'll be taken care of.
Oh, goodness. Act as if. Change Perspective.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Optimism Spilleth Over
Something that I have noticed about my writing. It tends to be on the optimistic side. I guess this is just a part of my character but I really do wonder at times. If this is how I'm supposed to look at life then it must definitely be a good life. Quick inventory... ummm... aha uhuh aha ... I can't complain. It could definitely be much worse than what it is now. See, there goes that optimism once again!
The reason I started thinking about this was because of my ex and I - our relationship. It is such a good relationship that he is coming down next month and will be staying with me for a couple of days. Sure, he's coming down for a court thing that we both must attend, but the good part is we talked it over and are at peace with this. All we want is for the whole process to be over and done with.
Yes, I am a bit discombobulated (cool word!) with the whole aspect of having him stay at my place. Because it is no longer 'ours' but now is 'mine'. Right away I thought about how I look, what I can do to the place to fix it up, how can I show him in 'x' # of ways of how different I am?
That's what it comes down to. Proving to him that I am indeed better off on my own and that his request for a divorce was really a stepping stone for me to become a better person.
Yes, we are on good terms. But there's this part of me that wants to prove to him that he was indeed stifling me and not the other way around.
Truth is we were stifling each other. We both have found better things in life because we were more open to pursuing what makes us happy. Yes, we are both better people now and that's why we can talk with one another with such love and kindness.
Guess being optimistic isn't such a curse if anything it's a godsend.
The reason I started thinking about this was because of my ex and I - our relationship. It is such a good relationship that he is coming down next month and will be staying with me for a couple of days. Sure, he's coming down for a court thing that we both must attend, but the good part is we talked it over and are at peace with this. All we want is for the whole process to be over and done with.
Yes, I am a bit discombobulated (cool word!) with the whole aspect of having him stay at my place. Because it is no longer 'ours' but now is 'mine'. Right away I thought about how I look, what I can do to the place to fix it up, how can I show him in 'x' # of ways of how different I am?
That's what it comes down to. Proving to him that I am indeed better off on my own and that his request for a divorce was really a stepping stone for me to become a better person.
Yes, we are on good terms. But there's this part of me that wants to prove to him that he was indeed stifling me and not the other way around.
Truth is we were stifling each other. We both have found better things in life because we were more open to pursuing what makes us happy. Yes, we are both better people now and that's why we can talk with one another with such love and kindness.
Guess being optimistic isn't such a curse if anything it's a godsend.
Life Just Is
"There are no accidents.
If it's appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what's broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you're already the person you dreamed you'd become. And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
Tallyho,
The Universe"
I get these in my email from a site called Tut. I haven't really looked into the site but had a friend tell me about it one day and recommended that I sign up to receive the daily emails. Overall I'm happy with what I get. It's a nice little reminder on things. Very grounding, at times.
Now, I wanted to add this quote because it really spoke to me. This has been something that I've been trying to tell myself over and over again. That I in order for me to find true happiness is to learn to let go and be in the moment. Yes, just stay in the present. Sure, I have my moments. Don't we all?
For instance, today I was totally at peace with coming to work. Probably because I was able to run on the treadmill this morning. My little mantra was: Run towards your future. Ahhh, I keep seeing 123 and according to the Angel Numbers book by Doreen Virtue it means to SIMPLIFY!
Well, sometimes I just feel that my guides are just yelling at me. Really, I don't blame them.
But I digress.
So, got the okay on my resume, spoke to my ex yesterday and he said the check to start the licensing process is in the mail, and actually started looking at job postings. Yep, I'm on my way!
Thank you, universe, for presenting these oppotunities on my radar. Thanks.
If it's appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have the power to fix what's broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you're already the person you dreamed you'd become. And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
Tallyho,
The Universe"
I get these in my email from a site called Tut. I haven't really looked into the site but had a friend tell me about it one day and recommended that I sign up to receive the daily emails. Overall I'm happy with what I get. It's a nice little reminder on things. Very grounding, at times.
Now, I wanted to add this quote because it really spoke to me. This has been something that I've been trying to tell myself over and over again. That I in order for me to find true happiness is to learn to let go and be in the moment. Yes, just stay in the present. Sure, I have my moments. Don't we all?
For instance, today I was totally at peace with coming to work. Probably because I was able to run on the treadmill this morning. My little mantra was: Run towards your future. Ahhh, I keep seeing 123 and according to the Angel Numbers book by Doreen Virtue it means to SIMPLIFY!
Well, sometimes I just feel that my guides are just yelling at me. Really, I don't blame them.
But I digress.
So, got the okay on my resume, spoke to my ex yesterday and he said the check to start the licensing process is in the mail, and actually started looking at job postings. Yep, I'm on my way!
Thank you, universe, for presenting these oppotunities on my radar. Thanks.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Passing Time
This weekend was a nice one. I went with my friend to visit one of hers in a small quaint town. It was definitely a sweet experience. One that left me a bit tired this weekend.
As soon as I got home Sunday night I found myself in desperate need of cleaning up. So, I took out the weeds in the walkway (although that's not my job) and cleaning up the patio. Since I already was tired because of lack of sleep this weekend I totally crashed once I was done. Ahhhh... I was so tired that this morning I really didn't want to wake up, but it happened.
Times are a-changing! Spring cleaning for the greenery in my place is something that's quite overdue!
Look at that, it's almost 5pm. Yay! Not that I'm watching the clock or anything ;-P
Today was surprisingly a quick day as I was actually given things to do. I am totally not complaining because I already know that a check is coming soon. Oh, thank goodness.
On the bright side of life, I am meeting up with the contact person at school to help me go over my Massage Therapist Resume. My ex is helping me out for the licensing fees, I already have my table (!), and I can afford the student membership fee with the AMTA (insurace).
Sooo.... that means I'm almost in business to start applying for an actual massage job. YAY!!!!
I really wanted to make that exclamation larger, but you get the gist.
Well, time keeps going. Let's look forward to a new beginning :)
As soon as I got home Sunday night I found myself in desperate need of cleaning up. So, I took out the weeds in the walkway (although that's not my job) and cleaning up the patio. Since I already was tired because of lack of sleep this weekend I totally crashed once I was done. Ahhhh... I was so tired that this morning I really didn't want to wake up, but it happened.
Times are a-changing! Spring cleaning for the greenery in my place is something that's quite overdue!
Look at that, it's almost 5pm. Yay! Not that I'm watching the clock or anything ;-P
Today was surprisingly a quick day as I was actually given things to do. I am totally not complaining because I already know that a check is coming soon. Oh, thank goodness.
On the bright side of life, I am meeting up with the contact person at school to help me go over my Massage Therapist Resume. My ex is helping me out for the licensing fees, I already have my table (!), and I can afford the student membership fee with the AMTA (insurace).
Sooo.... that means I'm almost in business to start applying for an actual massage job. YAY!!!!
I really wanted to make that exclamation larger, but you get the gist.
Well, time keeps going. Let's look forward to a new beginning :)
Friday, May 2, 2008
Moments
So, this is where I'm at. Sitting at a desk temping for this department that doesn't give me much work. Sitting at a desk where I cannot see the light of the day. Sitting here wondering why I had to let it go on for so long, wandering from office to office working for the money and not working in something that makes me happy.
And you know what? I am so glad that I'm in freefall. Sooo happy to be on course to a new life. I have my moments where time goes by quickly and others where it's absolutely downright dragging. During one of those moments (the dragging) today I found myself thinking of Mr. Blue Eyes.
I felt this calm and serenity come over me and I thought: Just knowing that you are alive and exist in the world is enough to get me through anything. Knowing that some day soon I will see you again, makes anything between now and then worth living. Just one second closer to having you in front of me. One second closer to be able to smell you once again. One second closer to having your eyes jump into mine. One second closer to feeling you pressed against me in an embrace. Just one second closer makes life's ups and downs worth living.
Oh yes, that was a nice thought that makes any moment in life worth living.
And you know what? I am so glad that I'm in freefall. Sooo happy to be on course to a new life. I have my moments where time goes by quickly and others where it's absolutely downright dragging. During one of those moments (the dragging) today I found myself thinking of Mr. Blue Eyes.
I felt this calm and serenity come over me and I thought: Just knowing that you are alive and exist in the world is enough to get me through anything. Knowing that some day soon I will see you again, makes anything between now and then worth living. Just one second closer to having you in front of me. One second closer to be able to smell you once again. One second closer to having your eyes jump into mine. One second closer to feeling you pressed against me in an embrace. Just one second closer makes life's ups and downs worth living.
Oh yes, that was a nice thought that makes any moment in life worth living.
Friday!!!!
So, this is my first week here and I'm actually glad I stuck it out. My check next week will be nice! I spoke to the landlord and he would wait on the rent for a week. Thank You, God!!!
Yes, I will be here for a couple of months and that's good. A nice paycheck where I get to save, save, save!!! Create a nice cushion to fall on while I'm working in what I really love, Massage Therapy :)
This weekend I get to go with some friends out of town AND next weekend a girl-friend of mine is coming into town to visit!! So, we're totally going to go out and have some fun :-D
Yay!!
Well, it's 1pm. Gotta go and have me some lunch.
Later.
Yes, I will be here for a couple of months and that's good. A nice paycheck where I get to save, save, save!!! Create a nice cushion to fall on while I'm working in what I really love, Massage Therapy :)
This weekend I get to go with some friends out of town AND next weekend a girl-friend of mine is coming into town to visit!! So, we're totally going to go out and have some fun :-D
Yay!!
Well, it's 1pm. Gotta go and have me some lunch.
Later.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Another day...
Here's another day. I am trying to figure out what to do. The week is almost over and no one is giving me anything to do that really would take all day. Sure, I have filing and am done with that as quickly as possible, but otherwise: nada!
Ahhh... I looked up some info for Doctor Who and kinda miss the show. See, as I was going through the transition of living on my own one of the things I changed was the tv situation.
Yes, it was a situation. I would sit in front of this thing and just binge all day watching it. What a bore! Which is why as soon as I got abstinent and realized I needed to do something for me, I unplugged the sucker, put it in it's box with the dvd player and sealed it tight! Moving it to the storage area.
Now, if I want to see a show I watch it online. Thank goodness for modern technology! No commercials and no set time schedule to live by. That way I can do all the other things that I truly enjoy, like living in the outside world. Sure, once in awhile I go over to a friend's house and watch a couple of novelas for fun. But that's only a couple times a month.
Speaking of that, I actually did that yesterday :) But, I was really there to pick up my massage table. Ohhhh.....!!!! It was so purty! Yep, yep, purty!
Okay, it's made out of wood and is a dark brown chocolaty color. Yum! I ended up laying on that beautiful table for a good hour. It was long enough for tall people and wide enough for the real person and just oh sooo comfy! Just like a table should be. I call her Anastacia (with all the A's being soft). Yep. I named my massage table.
This morning I came in and let the girl that I was replacing know that I am looking into licensure and will not be applying for the position.
That means that I jumped and can't go back.
Thank goodness for faith.
Ahhh... I looked up some info for Doctor Who and kinda miss the show. See, as I was going through the transition of living on my own one of the things I changed was the tv situation.
Yes, it was a situation. I would sit in front of this thing and just binge all day watching it. What a bore! Which is why as soon as I got abstinent and realized I needed to do something for me, I unplugged the sucker, put it in it's box with the dvd player and sealed it tight! Moving it to the storage area.
Now, if I want to see a show I watch it online. Thank goodness for modern technology! No commercials and no set time schedule to live by. That way I can do all the other things that I truly enjoy, like living in the outside world. Sure, once in awhile I go over to a friend's house and watch a couple of novelas for fun. But that's only a couple times a month.
Speaking of that, I actually did that yesterday :) But, I was really there to pick up my massage table. Ohhhh.....!!!! It was so purty! Yep, yep, purty!
Okay, it's made out of wood and is a dark brown chocolaty color. Yum! I ended up laying on that beautiful table for a good hour. It was long enough for tall people and wide enough for the real person and just oh sooo comfy! Just like a table should be. I call her Anastacia (with all the A's being soft). Yep. I named my massage table.
This morning I came in and let the girl that I was replacing know that I am looking into licensure and will not be applying for the position.
That means that I jumped and can't go back.
Thank goodness for faith.
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