Love Lost

This is from another blog (Conversations with a Brick Wall):

"Gordon Lightfoot actually wrote this song about his own divorce. I never really got this song before, but now I think I do. It’s hard to let go of love, even when you know it’s not working. But sometimes no amount of trying can get back what was lost. You just have to mourn for what you had.
I am so confused and lonely and heartbroken right now. I want to believe in love, I know that it exists, I’ve felt it in it’s purest form–but my life just isn’t making any sense to me tonight.
If you could read my mind, love,

What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see.
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
When you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you won’t read that book again
Because the ending’s just too hard to take
I’d walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.

Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me.
But for now, love, let’s be real;
I never thought I could act this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong,
But the feeling’s gone
And I just can’t get it back.
If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.

Just like an old time movie,
‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong.
With chains upon my feet.
But stories always end,
And if you read between the lines,
You’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand
The feelin’s that you lack.
I never thought I could feel this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong,
But the feelin’s gone
And I just can’t get it back"

Boy, do I ever agree. Sure, I still talk to my ex as friends and although our relationship transitioned to friendship pretty easily, compared to others, I do still distinctly remember the pain involved during the transition, especially in the beginning. My goodness, the denial and then the self-blame, to blaming others and circumstances, while knowing the entire time that there had to be something more to this.

That life would be this cruel and show me love for a brief moment only to throw it all away.

Well, those were my thoughts. Given to tears, pain, yearning, loneliness, despair and regret. Only to find that through time this became sorrow which meant the time for healing, transformation and growth created new opportunities, hope and a chance to live life once again.

My goodness, how far I have come in such a short period of time. Yes, I did have quite a few set backs as I crushed on a man who was twice my age just because I felt I needed to have a warm body next to me in bed (Which never happened, thank goodness, he never even kissed me!!) and a fear that if I did not have a man in my life then I would amount to nothing. But that soon passed to be quickly replaced with a man only a few years older than I who just happened to be the epitome of what I am looking for in a mate.

But, alas, the universe realized that it was still too early for me to be with someone so he was sent away to keep living his life. Sure, we still keep contact but the distance is really a damper on anything actually happening between he and I.

I know that looking back I will see how wise and considerate the universe was with me for giving me this time to be independent and become the woman that I need to be without a man to define me - my true self. I need that so that when I am actually, truly, ready to be in a relationship it will be equal. Not one where I morph into him and lose myself completely. No! That will not happen!

Sooo.... I am learning how to be friends with a man that I love. That seems to be easy at the moment, especially since he lives 7 hours away and hasn't really expressed any romantic interest... hmmm, could be because he's in a grieving state. Nope, that does not make me sound self-absorbed or selfish at all...

Thank You, God, for these life lessons. (grumble, grumble, grumble)...

Well, that's where I'm at for now.