Venting and Living

Well, it seems that my friend has been letting out a lot of steam that keeps her bogged down on her blog and has just noticed that this seems to be a big part of her that she keeps hidden from the world by sugar-coating it with jokes and outright denial.

As for me, I do the same. But one thing I have noticed is that by working program (I'm in a 12-step group) I get to write these feelings down. I was at a meeting yesterday that said program really ruins a good binge. Being sober really makes one aware of the current moment and what a pain that can be! Hey! It's the truth!!

On the other hand, being abstinent and in the moment is a true gift. Yesterday I had great moments of peace and serenity wash over me one hour and then the next I was triggered into outright sobbing. Damnation to emotions!!! But... I am grateful to be in a place where I can finally feel and not be filled with guilt for this occurrence.

The other day I was going through my journals starting with a few months before my divorce, and to see how much I was in my disease, to see how hard I was trying to live life and to see that I was not giving up and how through time this translated into actual recovery to where I am living now is truly amazing. To be in a place where I no longer am ruled by the disease and actually see that the obsession has been lifted is a miracle. Sure, I'm human, there are times where I slip and grab that delicious morsel and have it in my hands.... say, like this morning... what do I do? Simple, I call my sponsors and keep calling people until I get a live person so that I can tell them where I'm at and what my plan of action is going to be. I ask my HP for help and I don't let that morsel actually pass my lips. Sure, it's not always this easy, but each time it does get easier because through time I'd rather be in a bad day sober that a good day in the disease. The bad day sober always beats the other. Always.

What do I do with that anger, fatigue, loneliness, self-pity, hopelessness, et cetera? I keep on trudging. I keep on keeping on and remember that 'yard by yard it's too hard, inch by inch it's a cinch'.

Ahhh... slogans are just so awesome! Yep, today is another day of studying/working/living.

Thank Goodness for Today!

ODAAT